To Know Love is to Know Pain
by That One Name That You Forgot
Summary: Sollux was starting to freak out. It had been over a week since he had last heard from his best friend and long time crush, Karkat Vantas. Ten whole days of zero insults and zero late night rants. Now normally, this wouldn't have bothered him, because Christ knew what sort of shit Dave kept his best friend occupied with. Except no one had heard from Dave either. What now? SolKat
1. Chapter 1

Sollux was starting to freak out.

It had been a whole week and a half since he had last heard from his best friend and long time crush, Karkat Vantas. Ten whole days of zero insults and zero late night rants. Now normally, this wouldn't have bothered him, because christ knew what sort of shit Dave kept his best friend occupied with. Except no one had heard from Karkat's boyfriend, Dave Strider, in those ten days either. And someone had mentioned that Dave had skipped town at some point, leaving Karkat alone. This meant Karkat would've messaged SOMEONE by now, as Sollux knew he got lonely and excruciatingly bored fairly quickly. But no. Not a peep to anyone. So, back to the original point, Sollux was starting to freak out.

He stood in front of the door to Karkat's apartment, having knocked several times, but still not receiving an answer. "Kk, open the door, I know you're in there!" He yelled while pounding on it again, glaring a hole through the thick yellow door.

Nothing. Complete and utter silence. Sighing, Sollux decided to try the doorknob, though he was sure it would be locked (Dave was big on that sort of shit). To his surprise and confusion, the knob turned, and he was able to push the door open easily. Something was definitely wrong here. Stepping inside and shutting the door quietly behind him, Sollux glanced around the apartment's small living room. Clothes and various other items were strewn across the floor, and Sollux noticed that none of Dave's belongings were in this room or in what he could see of the dining room. No extra shades, no turntables, no laptop; nothing. There was a deep, lingering silence in the room that the pale gold walls seemed to absorb and then reflect back into it. It was stifling, Sollux quickly realized, as he hurried out of the main room.

He continued down the hall to the master bedroom Karkat and Dave shared. Slowly, he pushed open the door and inhaled sharply at the scene before him. More clothes and belongings were littered along the floor; again, all of them Karkat's and none of them Dave's. The troll in question was lying curled up on the bed, eyes halfway open and dull. Sollux hesitantly stepped closer to the bed and called out to his friend quietly, "Kk..? Are you okay?" Sollux immediately berated himself for asking such a stupid question when it was quite fucking obvious he was not 'okay'.

Worry and fear welled up in him though, when Karkat continued lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling blankly without responding. Sollux mind immediately assumed the worst and concluded that Karkat probably hadn't moved from the bed in days, judging by his dirty, limp state. Figuring he should probably skip all the bullshit and cut straight to the important things, like the shit Karkat often forgot to do when on his own, he asked, "When was the last time you ate?" Karkat shrugged and Sollux let out a relieved breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. Good, a response.

"Slept?" Another shrug.

"Have you at least been drinking water?"

"Two days..."

Sollux shuddered ever so slightly. Karkat's voice was dead and rough, nothing like the loud boldness it normally was. "What?"

"Had water two days ago..."

"God fucking dammit, Karkat-"

He cut himself off in frustration (worry, his mind corrected), and picked his best friend up bridal style (was he a few pounds lighter?), carrying him like a limp rag doll down the hall to the small kitchen. He awkwardly set him down in one of the chairs at the small dining table, then filled a cup from the cupboard with water. Karkat slumped over on the table and closed his eyes. Sollux set the cup down in front of him and narrowed his eyes at the troll's slumped form in concern. "Drink this. All of it."  
he commanded, crossing his arms tightly.

"No…"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Sollux was taken aback. He wasn't expecting that question out of everything Karkat could have said.

"So you can get hydrated and stay healthy." He explained slowly, eyeing him warily.

Karkat opened his eyes and slowly lifted his head. "I don't want to stay healthy.. What's the point.."

Sollux's stomach gave an unpleasant lurch. This was bad; worse than he'd thought.

"Karkat.." He said gently as he crouched down next to him, "you need to drink it, okay? For me?"

After a pause, Karkat hesitantly reached out and tried to lift the cup but let go of it almost immediately. "It's too heavy Sollux.."

Sollux frowned and felt tendrils of worry worming their way throughout his chest. He needed to get food and water into his idiotic best friend as soon as possible. He stood up and grabbed the water, gently pulling Karkat into a sitting position. Sollux held the cup up to Karkat's mouth and tilted his head back slightly.

As soon as the water passed his lips, Karkat came alive, latching onto the cup and gulping it down greedily. A few dribbles went down his chin, but he seemed to neither care nor notice. The cup was quickly emptied and Sollux tugged it away from him. He went back to the sink and filled it up again, handing it back to Karkat. He repeated the process, although Karkat was gentler with the cup this time around. Once he finished the second cup of water, Sollux returned to the sink and then set the now full glass on the table once more, running his fingers through his hair after.

If he was being completely honest with himself, he had no fucking clue what he was doing or going to do. He didn't know how to take care of someone else in this state; hell, he didn't even know how to take care of _himself_ properly half the time. But he obviously had to try. He couldn't just leave Karkat alone (where was Dave?). Sollux was sure if he left Karkat alone here, he'd be dead within a week. And he loved Karkat too much to let him go like that. Fuck, seeing him like this was already screwing his heart up more than he cared to admit, and it would only get worse. A dull ache settled into his chest and he almost felt like crying. No, he couldn't leave him. He needed to be here, to make sure Karkat was alive, and okay.

First step in keeping best friend alive: food. Sollux bent down next to Karkat's face and forced himself to look him in the eyes. They were glittering like a dead fish's'; Sollux winced and swallowed down the burst of raw panic that suddenly ballooned in his throat. "Kk, I'm going to get you something to eat, okay? And I want you to eat all of it. Can you do that for me?"

The glassy, faraway quality of Karkat's eyes diminished slightly and he nodded slowly. "I can do that.."

"Good."

Sollux stood up once again, relief tumbling through his thoughts, and began rifling through the pantry and refrigerator. There wasn't much there, but there was enough for a sandwich or two. He pulled out a mostly empty bag of bread and jars of peanut butter and jelly. Sollux quickly slapped together two sandwiches (extra peanut butter, and jelly on the the opposite piece of bread, the way he knew Karkat liked them), and set them down in front of Karkat. "Eat both of these. All of them."

For a moment, it seemed as though he hadn't heard him. He got ready to repeat himself, but Karkat slowly reached out and picked up a sandwich. While he began his legarthic process of eating, Sollux fished his phone out of his pocket and pulled up Dave's number. He shot him a few quick texts asking just where the fuck he was, and telling him just how messed up Kk was, then harshly jammed the phone back into his jeans. Sollux was suddenly filled with rage, and his hands curled into tight fists. He was beyond pissed. What kind of fucking boyfriend, or even friend, would abandon someone they cared about like this? Especially when said someone was known to have problems with depression and self-destruction. Dave was in for some deep shit when he got back.

Sollux let out a sigh, relaxing his hands and pushing his glasses up. Getting angry wouldn't help jack shit right now. He glanced back at Karkat. He had finished the first sandwich and was making progress on the second one, occasionally sipping at his water cup. He looked. Dead. That was the only way Sollux could describe him. Paler than normal gray skin, a gaunt face, ears drooping, and that terrifyingly vacant, blank look in his eyes. What could've happened in only a few short fucking days?

Once he finished his sandwiches, Sollux knelt down next to him again and tentatively squeezed the smaller one's hand before quickly dropping it. "Kk, can you tell me where Dave is?" He asked softly.

Karkat's eyes immediately shot to his face and he jerked away as if he'd been slapped, his skin going from pale to downright ashen. Clear red tears began pouring from his eyes and Sollux frantically backtracked, pulling him into a tight hug. "Shh, shh, calm down, it's okay you don't have to tell me!"

He was shaking, Sollux realized grimly. Shaking and crying. Whatever happened couldn't have been good. Sollux carefully picked Karkat up again and carried him back down the hall to the bedroom. He was still shaking when Sollux set him down on the bed. He moved to pull away, but was stopped by Karkat clinging to his sweatshirt. Quiet gasping sounded from the smaller troll, and he whispered with pleading eyes, "Don't leave me too…"

Sollux's chest tightened for a moment and he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. Christ, Karkat looked so small and helpless… how could he not stay? Awkwardly, he laid down next to him and kissed his forehead very lightly. "I'm not going anywhere.." Sollux murmured gently.

Karkat clung to him as tight as he could and buried his face in Sollux's hoodie. Sollux stroked his hair carefully and made quiet shushing noises. Eventually, Karkat relaxed his grip and tentatively began speaking in a quiet, broken (wrongwrongwrong screamed Sollux's mind) voice. "Dave… Dave left Sollux.. H-He left because he thought I-I w-was cheating o-on him and and!-" he started shaking again and his breaths came rapid and uneven, tears spilling down his cheeks. "He left m-me and he s-said he doesn't l-love me anymore! I w-wouldn't do th-that S-Sollux! Ever! And! A-and.."

Karkat sobbed into his chest, nearly hyperventilating. Sollux could only stare down at him in shock. Karkat? Cheat? Karkat was the loyalest fucking person he'd ever known. Everyone knew that, even that bitch Vriska. Why the fuck would Dave ever think he had cheated on him? A familiar surge of anger flared in Sollux's chest and he squeezed Karkat tightly. It didn't matter why. What mattered was that Dave wasn't there to help his shattered mess of a boyfriend. And that Sollux was willing to do it. "Shhh… breathe Karkat." He soothed in what he hoped was a calming way.

He slowly rubbed calming circles into Karkat's back through his thick black sweater. Sollux realized that he could easily feel the bones in his back, and made a mental note to get more food later. Karkat's wobbling sobs eventually mellowed into soft crying, and then, nothing. Sollux glanced down and sighed in relief. Karkat was fast asleep. His heart warmed a little (a lot) at the sight, and he sighed again, running his fingers through the smaller trolls hair. Fuckitty fuck. He was most definitely going to have to stay here to make sure Karkat was taking care of himself, no doubt about it now. Sollux didn't know exactly what the fuck had happened to make Dave suddenly go crazy and take off, but whatever it was, it had completely destroyed Karkat's sense of self-preservation. Slowly, as these thoughts whirled around in his head, Sollux fell into a light slumber with Karkat curled up at his side.

Of course the peace didn't last.


	2. Chapter 2

"Listen Kanaya, I need you to fucking come here. Not tomorrow, today! I can't do this by myself, for all I know I've already damaged his fucking psyche beyond help."

A sigh.

"He barely talks to me. He just sits there on the couch clinging to the pair of shades. He doesn't move unless I ask him to, and he's cried every day this week. He won't eat hardly anything…"

A pause.

"I already called Kankri and he can't afford to fly here for a few more days. I need help now."

Another pause.

"Right now? I think he's on the couch still. Lemme go get him, I'll be back in a minute."

Sollux set his phone down on the kitchen counter and stepped into the living room with a frown. He had finally managed to get ahold of Kanaya after a week of keeping a constant watch on Karkat. He needed her help badly. Kankri, Karkat's brother, hadn't been able to get the money for the plane ticket to visit his younger brother yet, leaving her as the only option. Kankri and Kanaya had always had a special connection with Karkat, and been able to help him through anything he'd ever been through. Considering how Sollux didn't even know how to take care of himself emotionally or physically half the time, let alone someone else, he knew it would be better to swallow his pride and get some goddamn help here. He shook his head to clear it and stepped into the living room, calling out, "Karkat? Kanaya's on the phone, she wants to talk to you."

No response. Sollux frowned at the empty spot on the couch where Karkat had remained for the majority of the week. Where was he? He slowly wandered down the hall, checking each room and calling out Karkat's name. When he came to Karkat's room and opened the door, he wrinkled his nose. Something smelled wrong in here. The room was empty, but the light under the bathroom door was on and- ….red. Red seeping out from under the door. Oh no.

Sollux immediately ran for the door and slammed himself into it, slipping slightly on the blood before wrenching it open. He froze. Karkat was on the floor, eyes closed. Bleeding from his wrists. Heavily. 'Oh FUCK.'

Sollux rushed forward and skidded to his knees in front of Karkat's fallen form. "Fuck! Karkat! Karkat wake the fuck up! Karkat!" He yelled as he shook him roughly. No response.

He yanked his hoodie off, swearing loudly when it got stuck on his head, and quickly pressed it with shaking hands to one of Karkat's bloody wrists. He couldn't speak. Panic constricted his throat, preventing Sollux from anything but labored breathing. He began tying the hoodie tightly to Karkat's arm and realized it wasn't just one slash in the younger boy's bleeding wrist. It was several. They stood out in bright, cherry contrast to the faded gray scars littering his small arms. The lump in Sollux's throat finally dislodged and tears poured down his face. He continued wrapping the arm and tied it off. "Hospital hospital hospital…" Sollux chanted to himself under his breath as he hoisted the limp body into his arms. He was so pale..

Sollux rushed out of the bathroom and down the hall, into the main room. He carefully set Karkat on the couch and ran to grab the phone off the counter. "Kanaya? Kanaya are you thtill there? Oh thank fuck. Lithten change of planth, meet me at Blue-Grathe- Blue-Grace Hospital right fucking now."

A pause.

"He'th fucking bleeding ath we thpeak! Get your ath- ass there!"

Sollux hit the end button quickly and tossed the phone on the counter, cursing his stupid ass for letting his lisp slip right now of all times, before rushing back to the living room to grab Karkat again. When he scooped him up into his arms, Karkat's eyelids fluttered lightly and he let out a weak groan. Sollux froze on his way to the door and glanced down at him. "Karkat? Can you hear me?" No response.

His heart pounded wildly in his chest and his mouth went dry. His best friend could die. Right here in his arms. The reality of the situation threatened to crush him where he stood, and he ran. Ran through the front door and down the stairs to ground level, huffing and puffing the whole way. Once he made it to his car, Sollux wrenched open a door, carefully laying Karkat across the back seats. "You'll be okay Kk. Fuck, you better be." Sollux muttered to himself as he ran around the car and yanked open the driver side door.


	3. Chapter 3

Sollux hated hospitals. They were always bright and hushed and full of dying people. He sat next to an unconscious Karkat in a hospital bed, gripping his hand tightly. The doctors had patched him up and told Sollux that he would be fine, just have some hellish scars and need food and water when he woke up. Which was supposed to be any minute now. Sounded simple enough. Except it wasn't that simple. The idiot he loved nearly died because he tried to end his life. Sollux's mind tried to shy away from the thought to stop the tightness in his heart, but he couldn't ignore the pale, still troll beside him. "Goddammit Karkat.. Your life is worth more than some douche with shades.. you're so goddamn precious, why the fuck can't you see that?" He whispered to himself quietly.

A few moments later, the thick gray door swung open to reveal an out of breath and flustered Kanaya. Her gaze immediately zeroed in on Karkat's limp form and she blanched. "Oh god…"

Sollux rose to his feet and let go of Karkat's hand. "The doctors said he's going to be fine, just.. scarred." He assured, stumbling over the word.

Tears pooled in Kanaya's eyes and she rushed forward and embraced him. Sollux awkwardly patted the crying girl's back twice while she spoke; "Oh g-god Karkat..."

Kanaya released him quickly, and Sollux tried not to look too relieved as she made her way to Karkat's side. She sat in the small chair beside him and softly ran her fingers through his hair. Sollux sighed and got down on his knees by Kanaya, resting his head on the bed. "I can't believe he would do this.." she whispered.

"He was really torn up over this Dave shit.. and I'm not surprised, sounds like Dave was a fucking dick." Sollux grumbled bitterly.

Kanaya frowned and opened her mouth to respond, but Sollux cut her off. "Have you gotten ahold of Kankri at all?" He asked, his eyes flickering back to Karkat.

Kanaya sighed and dropped her head into her hands. "Yes, I spoke with him the moment you told me to come here. He should be on the next flight, Cronus paid for their tickets. He should arrive here within the next few hours. I'll be the one to pick him up." She explained, her voice clogged with emotion.

Sollux hummed in response, tearing his gaze away from the unconscious troll on the bed to meet Kanaya's red-rimmed eyes. He shifted uncomfortably and opened his mouth to ask her something else, anything to stop the slowly building tears in her eyes, when a quiet groan stopped him. Both heads turned instantly to see Karkat shifting restlessly, eyelids fluttering. After a minute or so, his eyes finally cracked open and squinted at the bright lights. All was quiet for several moments before Kanaya's gentle voice interrupted the silence. "Karkat? It's me, Kanaya.."

Karkat's head swung in her direction and he frowned slightly with unfocused eyes. "Kanaya..? What are you.." his eyes finally landed on Sollux, who was watching him with intent worry.

His face lit up with realization. "It didn't work." Karkat said flatly. He let his head drop heavily back onto the pillow behind him. "It didn't fucking work.."

A tense silence followed his words. Sollux stayed silent as a tumult of warring emotions rolled inside him. How the fuck did one respond to their suicidal love? Anger, sadness, relief? What the hell was he supposed to feel? Kanaya's voice finally broke through the soundless tension and Sollux snapped out of his panicked thoughts just as she grabbed ahold of one of Karkat's hands. "Karkat.. why didn't you try and talk to us? I would've understood and tried to help you.. Kankri and Sollux too, I don't.." she trailed off and squeezed his hand tightly, as if to confirm to herself that he really was still alive.

Karkat flinched at her soft voice and his eyes clouded over with tears. He opened his mouth to respond, but Sollux abruptly got to his feet, turned on his heel, and stormed out of the room, hot tears blurring his vision. Grief, he noted dully. That's what he should feel. Two pairs of eyes followed him as he left, one scared, the other understanding.


	4. Chapter 4

Several hours later, Dave tightly paced in the drab, white waiting room, occasionally glowering at the nurses behind the desk in the front of the room, a complete, nervous fucking wreck. He was the biggest goddamn idiot in the whole universe. What sort of person took off on their boyfriend, their best friend, based on a couple of photos and text messages? Dave should've known better than to blindly trust Vriska and Terezi. They'd willing lead him off a cliff if given the chance. And God, he'd been such an asshole to Karkat when he left.. and the way he'd been sobbing and clinging to him..

His heart lurched painfully, and Dave paused in his restless striding, angrily brushing at the tears leaking from under his shades. He had no right to cry at this point. Not with what he'd been doing for months ('Hypocrite!' Screamed his mind). Not when this was all his fault to begin with. Vriska and Terezi had finally delivered the punchline of their joke, informing him that this all was, in fact, a lie. A fucking lie. All of this pain caused for a lie. He'd nearly broken his phone when he launched it across the room after he found out. But he hadn't. That's why Dave had finally checked the messages from his other friends that he'd been refusing to look at ever since he left. And fucking wonderful, Karkat was in the hospital as Kanaya had so kindly informed him.

After rushing to the hospital like a goddamn madman, Dave was now waiting for information on Karkat's room number. But apparently, no one wanted to fucking tell him where it was. The white haired adolescent continued to pace around the room, until one of the ladies at the desk finally called him over. He barely stuck around for directions to the room before taking off down the hall. "Room 238B, Room 238B, Room 238B," he chanted to himself under his breath, like a mantra.

When it finally came into his view, Dave skidded to a stop in front of the unassuming, grey door. He placed his hand on the cool metal handle, intending to push it open, but hesitated. Did Karkat even want to see him? Would he even let him inside?

Dave pushed away his worries and steeled himself before slowly inching open the door. He silently slipped inside and pushed the door shut with a soft click. He swallowed thickly at the sight of the limp figure on the hospital bed. The sterile white walls coupled with the cold air had Dave shivering in seconds. The silence in the room was deafening. His fault. All his goddamn fault. Dave hesitantly walked toward the side of the pristine bed, keeping his eyes on Karkat the entire time. Dave tentatively reached a hand towards him, only to recoil in horrified shock. Bold, black lines of stitches crisscrossed their way up both of his wrists, a stark contrast against the grey skin. Tears welled up in his eyes, only to be harshly brushed away from under his shades. Dave, once again, knew he had no right to cry in this situation.

Dave released a shaky breath and gently rested a hand on one of Karkat's. "I still love you.." he murmured gently, "a-and I'm so fucking sorry for being a piece of shit.."

He wanted to say so much more, to apologize, to grovel at Karkat's fucking feet and ask for forgiveness, but suddenly, his boyfriend's eyes slid open, and the candy red there was filled with shock. Dave froze, trying to find the right thing to say, to find the words that would make Karkat's eyes stop filling with tears. But the door to the hospital room swung open before he could say anything, revealing a furious Sollux. And all hell broke loose.

Sollux knew storming out was a bad idea, but he didn't realize it was this bad of an idea. In hindsight, he really could've reacted better to seeing Dave standing over a crying Karkat, but considering the little fact that Dave had been unreachable all fucking week... well, he cut himself a little slack when he stormed across the room and decked the shell-shocked blonde across his stupid, pale face. And honestly, it felt fucking great. "Tho," he started, trembling in fury, forgetting to cover his lisp in his anger, "now you decide to show up, huh? What, did you finally realithe you're a fucking MORON?!"

Dave just continued to stare up at him with a dazed expression. Sollux snorted, and twisted around to face Karkat. Pathetic, he thought bitterly. Dave was so goddamn pathetic. Karkat was still crying though, and he forcibly shoved thoughts of Dave out of his mind. Karkat was way more important than that idiot right now. Sollux brushed Karkat's tears away gently, remembering how much how he'd had to do it this week because of him, who was still on the floor behind them. He pushed thoughts of him away again, more forcibly this time, and focused on Karkat again, trying not to lisp like a moron. "Hey.. I'm sorry for storming out on you Karkat. I just didn't know how to talk about.." the taller boy trailed off, his eyes flickering down to the stitches in Karkat's wrists, and he took Karkat's hand gently.

Karkat flinched at the reminder of his biggest fuck up to date, and took a deep breath, tightening his hand around Sollux's briefly before letting go. A swirling ocean of emotion barreled through his chest, an ocean spawned from Dave's sudden appearance. It was a welcome change from the numbness that had had him in it's coying, sweet grip for days now. Anger, thick and hot, manifested for the blonde who was just starting to pick himself up off the floor, a blossoming bruise on his right cheek (a surge of pride for Sollux). Warmth tumbled in his heart from the now familiar affection given by Sollux of all people. And finally, a deep sorrow under it all, fed by betrayal, and hurt, and regret. For a moment, he was nearly overwhelmed by the sudden flood of feelings, but he quickly forced his mind to focus. Karkat couldn't believe he had almost left this world because of his fucking selfish ex-boyfriend. The thought just spurred more anger in his chest, and his hands shook slightly as he tried to reign the inferno in. The small troll closed his eyes and released a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Sollux," he said firmly, finally sounding like the him that came before this entire shitstorm happened, "leave the room. I need to speak with Dave." Karkat spat out the name as if it burned him.

Sollux almost objected, after all, Dave was the reason Karkat was here in the first place, but he paused at the familiar tone in Karkat's voice. It wasn't dead, or sad, or weak like it had been all week. It was the voice of his friend when he was pissed the hell off, and ready to fucking annihilate someone with words. So, feeling a little ambitious, Sollux nodded, then smirked and pressed a small kiss to Karkat's cheek, already noticing Dave's cold gaze following his every movement. No doubt Karkat would brush it off as friendly affection, but Dave would know better. Because Dave would be able to see, had seen before, the same love he saw in his own eyes reflected in Sollux's. Karkat, seemingly oblivious to the sudden tension between the two, rolled his eyes with a small smile and shoved the taller troll away from him. "Get lost, fucker." He said fondly.

And with that, Sollux turned on his heel and left the room with a smug aura.

The broken couple stared at opposite walls of the room in dead silence for several long moments, neither making the move to speak first. Karkat finally turned to face Dave, his rage bubbling to the surface. "What, in the everloving FUCK, were you thinking?" He asked, his voice bordering on a growl.

Dave flinched and opened his mouth, but Karkat cut him off before he could spew some stupid excuse. "I've never, ever been anything but absolutely loyal to you Dave. And you just.." he cleared his throat and blinked away the tears that threatened to blaze their way down his cheeks, "how fucking dare you.."

He couldn't afford to break down right now. Not when he was finally beginning to think clearly. Dave hesitantly reached out and placed his hand on Karkat's, only to have him jerk his hand away. A flicker of pain and anger crossed Dave's face briefly, and he cleared his throat before speaking in a trembling voice, "I don't know.. I.. There were so many pictures and texts and.." he swallowed hard, "I was hurt and I wasn't thinking clearly, I never meant to hurt you Karkat, you have to believe me!"

Dave lurched forward desperately, and Karkat immediately cringed away. He closed his eyes and struggled to think clearly, fighting to keep the tidal wave of emotions in his heart from corrupting any rational thoughts. His mind, unbidden, reminded him of the last time he'd heard Dave speak so frantically, and yanked him into the memory.

 _Karkat stood at the door to Sollux's house, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, avoiding his shocked eyes. "Hey Sollux.. Uh.. Do you mind if I crash here for a little while..?" he asked quietly. Karkat rubbed his sore cheek and kept his gaze on the ground as Sollux's expression changed to incredulity._

 _Sollux continued to gape openly for a few seconds more, before he unfroze and a mutinous look contorted his face. He gently pulled Karkat into his house by his sweater sleeve and slammed the door shut, whirling around to face him. "Give me one good fucking reason why I shouldn't go beat the shit out of that douchebag's fucking ass." The taller troll ground out._

 _Karkat just sighed and crossed his arms tightly, staring up at him. "Because if you do, I will never come to you for anything again, Sollux.. Just drop it." he said dully._

 _Sollux crossed his arms as well, and his scowl deepened, before he sighed and dropped them angrily. "Fine. You can stay here with me, but can't you at least tell me what the fuck happened? Please?" he pleaded._

 _Karkat frowned and his hand unconsciously made it's way to his bruising cheek. "We got into an argument about some stupid shit. He wants to go to the dumb ass Pride Parade thing again this year, but I don't because it's always way too fucking loud and chaotic. Last year I got hit in the head three goddamn times!" he paused and began to pace angrily, the need to get what happened off his chest overpowering his want for privacy, "Then Dave started going on about how I'm ashamed to be gay with him or some dumb shit, and I told him that was a load of cock, and that I wouldn't care if we went to one of the quieter ones in the next town over. But he didn't want to because he had to meet someone at this one. And then he said he was going to h-hurt himself if I didn't come with him and I yelled at him and then…" he trailed off, panting heavily, his anger slowly starting to seep out, and he halfheartedly gestured to his face._

 _Sollux stared blankly at Karkat for several moments before he strode forward and wrapped his arms around his smaller friend tightly. Karkat, very stiffly, hugged his best friend back. All was quiet, until Karkat abruptly crumbled in his arms and began sobbing out all the frustration and fear and anger that had been building from the moment Dave raised his hand. Sollux hesitantly ran his fingers through Karkat's hair, and frowned deeply as he tried to formulate a response. "Kk.." he pursed his lips, unsure how to continue. Half of him screamed to murder Karkat's stupid fuck of a boyfriend for daring to lay a hand on the one person he actually ever bothered to care about, while the other half demanded he stay there and comfort the obviously hurting Karkat. He bit his lip and tried to point out the obvious, "Kk, that's not healthy. That's not how relationships work, and he can't just threaten to hurt himself if you don't do whatever the fuck he wants. Has he ever pulled this shit before?" Sollux was almost afraid of the answer he'd get._

 _Karkat stiffened in his arms once again and the sobs died away. No way was he telling Sollux the truth. He pushed every negative emotion he felt towards Dave deep, deep inside him and took a shuddering breath. He was not going to risk his perfectly healthy relationship over a stupid fight. Dave might actually do something to himself then and.. Karkat forced the thought away and stepped back from Sollux, wiping his eyes clear. "I-It doesn't matter. It was a fucking accident. I just need to stay here until we work out the fight. I don't want to talk about this shit anymore, alright?" he mumbled shakily._

 _Sollux looked ready to argue, but as more tears welled up in Karkat's eyes, he appeared to decide against it. He pulled Karkat into his arms once again and buried his face in his hair. "Alright, alright.." he conceded, "you wanna go watch some shitty movies?" he offered in a small attempt to bring Karkat's mood up._

 _Karkat looked up at him with a watery smile and chuckled hoarsely. "Y-Yeah, that sounds fucking great. Idiot." Sollux rolled his eyes and fondly mussed up the shorter troll's hair, chuckling at his indignant squawk._

 _Sollux glowered at the blonde in front of him, using his body to block the front door of his house. "Aaand, what the fuck do you want? What's your dumb ass doing on my front porch, Dave?" he sneered._

 _Dave snorted and rolled his eyes. "I know he's here Sollux. I need to talk to him, it's stupid to ignore eachother," he paused, and smirked, meeting Sollux's eyes from behind his black shades, "Besides, he's my boyfriend. Karkat will always come back to me."_

 _Sollux immediately puffed up and he grit his teeth together harshly. "And yet he ran from you to me, in case you fucking forgot!" he snapped out._

 _Dave prepared to shoot back a response, only for the words to die in his throat at the voice that suddenly spoke up behind Sollux. "Yo, fuckass, why are you blocking the door? Who's here?" Karkat called, and Sollux twisted around to see Karkat with his hands on his hips, and his eyebrow raised. Sollux coughed awkwardly and flushed, averting his eyes from his unfairly cute best friend behind him. "It's just some douchebag, a dumb fuckhea-"_

" _It's Dave, Karkat. Are you really not going to talk to me after you stormed out and left me alone..?" Dave's voice took on a heartbroken tone, and Karkat blanched, his arms immediately coming off his hips to wrap around his midsection securely._

 _Before Sollux could say anything or stop him, Karkat pushed past his friend and hesitantly stepped out to meet Dave on the porch. "Sollux, just give us a moment, alright?" Karkat asked softly._

" _What the fuck? Do you honestly think I'm going to leave you alone with this ass after what he did!-"_

" _Please."_

 _Sollux stopped mid-tirade, and glanced between Dave's triumphant expression and Karkat's nervous one. He knew he would come to way fucking regret it later, but nonetheless, he sighed and gave in. "Fine." he said, defeated. Sollux stepped back into his house and shut the door forcefully._

 _Karkat let out a relieved breath and turned back to Dave, who was gazing at him pleadingly. "Karkat, you know I would never hurt you, right? God- I'm so fucking sorry I don't even know why it happened I swear I-I!" Dave dissolved into tears, shaking and gasping loudly. "Please, I'm so sorry!" he cried, the picture of absolute desperation and guilt._

 _Karkat's eyes widened and he lurched forward, squeezing his boyfriend tightly. He sniffled and his own tears trickled down his face. "I-It's okay I just.. I was being so stubborn and.. Fuck.." he choked out._

 _Dave simply squeezed him tighter, and Karkat felt the last traces of anger melt away as a warmth filled him._

Karkat's hands curled into fists and he chuckled bitterly. Sollux was probably right, wasn't he? "Dave, I-" he started, already blinking away tears of regret for what he was about to do.

Except when he finally looked up at Dave, his the words caught in his throat and he froze. Blood was slowly leaving a scarlet trail down Dave's hands, as a result of several newly formed cuts in his palms. "Is this what you want me to do, Karkat? Do you want me to do this to myself?" He accused harshly.

Karkat shuddered, and his suddenly numb lips tried to form some kind of response, anything to get rid of the gnawing guilt inside him that burned his chest like he was drowning. "I-I.." he stuttered, trying not to completely break down.

Dave sniffled pitifully and Karkat's heart twisted. He curled into a small ball on the bed and gripped his head tightly, tears finally thundering down his face. "Nononono, Dave please it's not my fault..!" his voice came out strangled and breathless, and his hands moved to grip his injured wrists. He would never hurt Dave but there was the fucking blood and itwashisgoddamnfault.

Dave let out a barely audible sigh of relief and a small, sad smile worked it's way onto his face. Everything would be alright. He could deal with a panicking, crying Karkat much easier than one who was angry with him. Dave reached forward and attempted to take Karkat into his arms. "Come on Karkles.." he soothed.

Karkat stiffened, and he scrambled back as far as he could on the small hospital bed. 'No, no, no!' his mind screamed as a wall of dizzying emotions slammed into him. Anger, confusion, love, sadness, and for some reason, fear. Karkat felt distinctly afraid of the boy in front of him and he choked back another sob, pressing a trembling hand over his mouth. Something wasn't right here, Dave was fucking with his head. But he was panicking so goddamn much, he couldn't tell what it was.

Annoyance and frustration flashed across Dave's face, and his expression tightened in anger. "Goddammit Karkat, can't you just fucking do what I say for once?!"

Anger won out, and Karkat finally snapped. With a rush of bitterness that had been simmering inside him ever since Dave accused him of cheating, Karkat screamed, "ALL I EVER DO IS FUCKING LISTEN TO YOU, DAVE! WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO OPEN UP YOUR ASSTARDED BRAIN AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A CHANGE?"

Karkat let out another muffled sob as he pressed his hand to his mouth again and glowered at the shell shocked boy in front of him. How fucking dare he. This was all his goddamn fault to begin with, and he was mad at Karkat? Bullshit, Karkat decided, that was utter bullshit. He tried not to focus on the blood dripping to the floor from Dave's hands (hisfault).

Dave balled his hands into fists, and returned the glower full force, leaning forward and towering over the small troll. "What the fuck are you talking about?! All I ever do is listen to you bitch and moan! And then you repay me by making me hurt myself?!" he shouted, his fist almost unconsciously swinging up, and Karkat cringed back, too late.

Dave's hand connected against his cheek hard, fueled by rage and fear, and Karkat cried out loudly, yelling out the first name that came to his mind just before the hospital door slammed open; "Sollux!"


	5. Chapter 5

And in came barreling his older brother, closely followed by Sollux, and Karkat had never felt so relieved to see their familiar faces.

Several beats of silence passed. Dave stared down at his fists in sick shock, while Karkat cupped his throbbing cheek, trembling slightly. And then the silence splintered when Kankri's furious voice cracked throughout the room; "Get the fuck away from my brother."

Dave paled and threw up his hands in defense as Kankri stalked towards him, and Karkat flinched away from the movement, eyes frantic and wild. With a start, Sollux realized Karkat was shaking and panicking, and something sick rolled in his stomach at the sight. He rushed forward and climbed onto the small bed without hesitation, carefully tugging Karkat into his lap. Karkat allowed himself to be pulled and shuddered slightly, trying to keep himself calm, but failing miserably because it was his goddamn fault Dave was hurt and now it was his fault Kankri was mad at him too. Sollux made quiet shushing noises, pulling him out of his own hell, and Karkat felt a brief moment of gratitude before the blind panic overwhelmed it again and he was dragged back in, lost to his own thoughts. At least he didn't fuck up Sollux as bad as he'd fucked up Dave.

Kankri finally reached Dave and glared fiercely up at the taller boy. "Get. Out." He hissed quietly.

"Kankri, it's not what it looks like I swear, I would never hurt!-" Dave's panicked yelling was swiftly cut off. Kankri shook out his fist and nearly snarled. "Get. Out."

A terribly tense silence settled over the room. For a moment it seemed as if Kankri would hit Dave again, but eventually Dave sagged and nodded. "Fine.." he mumbled, "I'll be back to see Karkat later though." He started towards the door.

"The fuck you will. As if I- we'd ever fucking let you near him again." Sollux snapped, pulling Karkat closer to him.

Dave twisted around and flashed a bloody palm at him. Karkat stiffened in Sollux's arms, and any calm he had managed to grab onto scattered instantly. "I'm pretty sure he'll want to see me." he chuckled grimly, turning back around and breezing out the door.

Sollux grit his teeth together and released Karkat, shooting off the bed. "I'm going after him." he snapped, before taking a moment to squeeze Karkat's hand. "I'll be back." he murmured softly.

Kankri watched the scene in front of him play out with crossed arms, a curious frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. Karkat simply stared as Sollux left the room, a small burst of something warm chasing away some of his guilt and internal panic. He then shakily drew his knees to his chest and rested his head on them, a barely restrained sob building in his throat, begging to be released. He could still see the blood on Dave's hands in his head, hear the pleading in his voice, feel the stinging of his cheek. He was a terrible boyfriend, a terrible person; for fuck's sake, he was the one who forced Dave to fucking hurt himself!

He bit down hard on his tongue and trembled slightly. Before he could finish mentally tearing himself to shreds, a warm, familiar arm slid around his shoulders. Kankri squeezed his brother tightly and pulled him closer, struggling to keep his own emotions in check as Karkat finally broke down in his arms. Hatred for that fucked up idiot of a boyfriend licked at the edges of his mind and he pressed his lips together into a thin line. Karkat was his little brother. His little brother who he would protect with whatever it took, even if it meant breaking his heart in the process. "Karkat," he said firmly, "how many times has something like that happened?"

Karkat lifted his head, hiccuping with tears streaming down his face and prepared to lie to his precious older brother. But he stopped before he could choke out the first dishonest word. Kankri's eyes were filled not with anger, not with annoyance, but with a warmth that promised understanding. He took in a deep, rattling breath and dropped his head onto his brother's shoulder. "This would be the fifth time.." he whispered.

Somehow, through a powerful self control he didn't know he possessed, Kankri didn't outwardly react to the statement. Inwardly however, a dark, deep hatred attached itself snugly to his heart, and Kankri sincerely hoped that Sollux caught up with Dave and broke his undeservingly beautiful face. "Karkat, I need you to listen very carefully to me." Karkat peered up at his older brother with red rimmed eyes and hesitantly nodded. "Dave is not good for you. It is not your fault he's like that, and it is certainly not your fault he walked out of this room with bloody hands." Kankri forced Karkat to hold his gaze as he spoke firmly.

"But.." Karkat protested weakly, unconsciously pulling away from his brother.

"No. I'm not going to let him fuck up your head anymore, pardon my language." Kankri's tone left no room for arguing, and Karkat chewed on his tongue.

Perhaps Kankri was right, and the relief that promised nearly took his breath away. But then.. Kankri was only one person. What if Kanaya blamed him? Or Cronus? Or Rose, Dave's half-sister? Or.. or.. Sollux? The thought sent his head reeling and Karkat's heart clenched painfully. For some reason, he cared even more about Sollux's opinion in this fucked up situation than anyone else's. What if Sollux blamed him for hurting Dave? And even worse, considering what he had put his best friend through all week.. well, Karkat wouldn't be surprised if Sollux hated him for all the shit he forced him to endure. Karkat's eyes burned, ready to cry again at the very idea. "Sollux!" He gasped loudly, jerking his head up to glance at Kankri's alarmed face, "I have to talk to Sollux!"

To his confusion, Kankri didn't try to convince him to stay in bed. Instead, a small smile gradually grew, and his eyes softened. "Well, you better go get him before he gets in trouble for fighting." He urged lightly.

Karkat paled and flung himself out of the bed, swaying dizzily for a moment. He ignored Kankri's warnings and steadied himself quickly before rushing out the door. The hall was nearly empty, given the late time of day, and Karkat felt a rush of relief. No time for prying doctors. He had to find Sollux, had to see him, thank him, ask forgiveness from him, hug him, kiss him- Karkat abruptly froze in his running and stumbled head-first into the hallway wall, struggling to process the sudden, vivid image crashing into his brain. A few stray passerbys stared at him oddly, but he ignored them.

"What.. the.. fuck." He muttered to himself in between catching his breath, the image of him kissing Sollux of all people still lingering.

Karkat wasn't a cheater. He really wasn't. In fact, when he'd first gotten with Dave, he'd massacred the small, growing feelings he'd had for his best friend at the time, attempting to focus his heart solely on loving Dave. He thought it worked. Sollux had remained blissfully unaware, and currently was probably in love with Aradia or something, and Karkat was happy with Dave. Or had been at least. But apparently, he fucked up. Those feelings appeared to have festered inside him for the last two years and now…

"Fuck." He growled out and smacked his head on the wall. "Fuck fuck, fucking fuck FUCK!"

Karkat pulled away from the hallway wall and shoved the annoying warm feelings in his chest away, not willing or able to deal with them at the moment. He started down the hall again in search of his best friend and stupid boyfriend. Or was Dave his ex now? The guilt and panic from earlier on threatened to overtake him suddenly, and he dug his nails into his wrist without thinking. Calm the fuck down. Panicking wouldn't help. He opened his eyes, unaware he had even closed them to begin with, only to see a tall woman in a pair of blue scrubs turn the corner. He ducked into an empty patient room to avoid discovery and growled quietly. Where the fuck could they have gone? Peeking his head out, the small troll confirmed the nurse had left before he slipped out of the room and continued down the hall.

After passing several more empty rooms, the frustration he felt was almost palpable, and his fingernails unconsciously buried themselves into the flesh of his arms once again. Karkat squeezed his eyes shut, and inhaled sharply, desperation blanketing him. He had to find them. If not to confirm Sollux didn't hate him, a small, weak part of him admitted, then to see Dave before he took off. Again. Abruptly, he heard a shout behind him and to the left, and Karkat's eyes snapped open. "Sollux," he breathed, already rushing towards the bathroom door the sound had emanated from.

Whatever Karkat had expected to see when he finally found the pair, it certainly wasn't this. Dave stood in the middle of the bathroom with his back to Karkat, sobbing loudly, and Sollux stood in front of him, more furious than he had seen him before in his life. Karkat's stomach lurched, and he stepped forward with trepidation, ready to make his presence known to them. But before he could so much as open his mouth, Sollux's next shout echoed throughout the small bathroom, slicing right through him, and he was suddenly struggling to even breathe, let alone move. "THO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU'VE BEEN THE THNEAKY FUCKING CHEATER THITH ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME?!" He bellowed, towering over the cowering blonde.

Karkat vaguely noted in some corner of his mind that Sollux was upset enough to let his lisp slip completely loose, but he was hardly aware of it. A thousand instances ran through his head, moments that suddenly clicked into place and shone with painful obviousness. Dave's insistence on meeting some mysterious 'friend' at every Pride parade for years, the weekends he came home late and refused to speak to him, the occasional, almost guilty looks he had when they kissed. The wave of numbness that he had so easily managed to shove away before yanked him back under, dragging him with the undertow, and he nearly gave in. It would be so much easier to simply let go, to dissolve into pieces again and not care..

Sollux's furious gaze finally shifted to Karkat, standing partially behind Dave with wide, wet eyes. His expression immediately softened, and a look of regret crossed his features. "Shit, Karkat, how long have you..?" he trailed off, already knowing that the damage was done, and guilt pinched his stomach.

Dave whirled around and blanched at Karkat's still form. He said nothing, only looked down at the floor, shame written all over his face.

Karkat's thoughts had snapped back into focus when Sollux said his name, and his soft expression jerked him out of the tide; he could suddenly breathe again with a bloom of warmth that exploded in his chest out of nowhere. Karkat closed his eyes and tried to focus on that instead of the sharp pain that threatened to make tears appear again. He'd always had an inkling that he wasn't good in relationships, and here was the goddamn proof on a silver platter. Dave had to go to someone else for love, and somehow, Karkat knew it was his own fault. Maybe if he was quieter, or nicer, or anything besides an asshole hothead, Dave wouldn't have needed to cheat.

That didn't mean Karkat wasn't furious with him, he realized, as he opened his eyes and focused on Dave. "You're a disgusting fucking hypocrite." Karkat said dully, refusing to look away from him, "Get out. We're over."

Dave's expression became panicked and then angry, throwing up his hands, now covered in dried blood. "You're really going to do this to me?! After what you did?" He shouted, bordering on hysterical.

Sollux stepped forward, ready to defend him, but Karkat held his hand up at him, gesturing for him to stay. Sollux frowned, but stayed in his spot. The smaller troll shifted his focus back to Dave and swallowed hard. His palms were sweaty, his heart was thudding, and a terrible anxiety unfurled in his chest like smoke. But he kept going, ignoring all the alarm bells in his head telling him to shut up. "You- I- Y-You're the one who did that to your fucking self! It's not my fault! And you're the one who started all this shit, not to mention you're also the fuckhead who was actually cheating!" He yelled, unconsciously squeezing his hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

Dave stared at him, uncomprehending, until he let out a harsh laugh, shaking his head. "Fine," He said, his voice trembling slightly, "leave me. But good luck finding another poor fucker who can put up with your bullshit. I wish that you'd actually succeeded. Then I wouldn't be at this stupid fucking hospital."

For a moment, it felt like all the breath in his chest was ripped away, and Karkat fought to control the painful tightening somewhere near his heart. He.. Dave.. wished.. he'd succeeded.. at killing himself. Sollux said something he didn't quite hear, and before Karkat could recognize what was happening, Sollux was attacking the blonde. He blinked and their positions changed, and suddenly Dave had his fist cocked back, ready to hit Sollux. And the weakness inside him fell away, and all he felt was pure rage for the fucking bastard he used to call a boyfriend. Karkat was just so fucking done with all his shit. "Let go of him right fucking now."

Dave's twisted to face him for a split second, and was instantly met with Karkat's angry fist. Sollux staggered away from the pair as Dave stumbled back, shock clear on his face. Dave barely had a moment to recover before Karkat's knee slammed into his stomach, and he doubled over groaning.

Something inside him was screaming and crying for the boy on the floor in front of him. Something inside him was ready to forgive this boy completely and beg for his forgiveness. Something was ready to give in to him again. But, Karkat realized as he squeezed his eyes shut, that person was the same one who that kept him weepy and compliant. He couldn't be that person anymore. Karkat let that person inside of him go. He turned back towards Sollux and reached out blindly for him. Warm hands closed around his, and he swallowed roughly, keeping his eyes shut. "Come on KK.. let's get the fuck out of here.." he heard Sollux murmur.

Karkat let himself be led out of the bathroom, carefully blocking out Dave's quiet sniffles in the background. He kept his eyes closed as Sollux guided him back to his room, and only opened them when the warm hand holding his released. The bright white of the room made him squint and Karkat blinked blearily at the lights above. He glanced at Sollux, who was watching him with a concerned expression, shifting anxiously from foot to foot, and he blanched. The small measure of calm he'd been holding tight to cracked, and all the emotions it had been holding back crashed down on his head. Panic laced with sorrow swirled in his mind and Karkat shook his head back and forth rapidly, breathing suddenly much more difficult. He swayed unsteadily and sucked in deep breath after deep breath to calm himself down because he needed to calm down and _why is he freaking out he should be fucking happy_.

Familiar arms slid around him, and Karkat leaned into Sollux without any hesitation. He felt his best friend's (crushes'? Loves'?) fingers running through his hair, and the motion relaxed him, the gasps mellowing out to almost normal breaths. But the brief calm came with the overwhelming urge to cry again and Karkat bit down hard on the inside of his cheek to stop it from happening. His attempts proved futile though, and a harsh sob ripped through his chest briefly before he tried to force it away again. No luck. The small spell of calm evaporated, and suddenly he couldn't breathe properly again. "I-I'm! So! Tired! O-Of! Crying Sollux!" Karkat gasped out between panicked sobs, his voice finally breaking at the end.

Sollux tightened his hold on his friend and slowly backed towards the hospital bed. He carefully sat down and shifted Karkat into his lap while he continued to run his fingers through his hair. "It's okay to cry Kk.. I'm not here to be a judgemental ass for once.." he murmured softly.

Karkat choked out a small laugh, more tears dripping down his face as he shook his head. "You're not- you're not an ass, you're my best fucking friend, and I'm so-" his voice broke again, and he fought to keep speaking, "I'm so sorry, I made you stay all week and put you through all this dumb shit and now you'll h-hate me too and!-" Karkat couldn't force his voice out clearly anymore, and another loud cry sounded from his throat as he gave up on speaking.

Sollux eyebrows shot up in shock, and he jerked back to stare at him. "Hate you?" he asked incredulously, "Why the fuck would I hate you? I lo!- You're my best friend, dumbass, I couldn't hate you if I tried!" He grimaced slightly at his almost slip up, but continued to hold Karkat's gaze earnestly. The last thing he needed was a sudden declaration of love after all the shit that had happened.

Karkat searched his expression silently, trying to brush away the tears still streaming down his face, looking for any sign of doubt or dishonesty. Nothing. The sudden lifting of pressure off his shoulders was enormous, and he let his head drop onto Sollux's chest in relief. "And… you don't blame me for what happened with Dave…?" he asked quietly.

Sollux swallowed the burst of anger that flared up, and shook his head sharply. "Fuck no. That shit is all on him. You deserve someone way fucking better." His voice came out bitter, and he huffed, squeezing the smaller boy closer to him.

Karkat shook his head in disagreement, but otherwise stayed quiet. How long had it been since he'd been held like this, and he was actually able to appreciate it? He sighed in contentment and pressed himself closer to Sollux, reveling in the warmth he felt inside and out. That was something else he was also going to have to deal with, his feelings. The thought brought a sharp sliver of anxiety, but it melted away quickly. It was hard to get worked up when Sollux was holding him like this, all bizarre kindness and affection. Karkat doubted it would last long, as Sollux generally wasn't this lovey dovey with people, but he chose to focus on the fact that it was happening now and not worry about the future.

A warm thumb unexpectedly brushed across his bruised cheek, and Karkat frowned, peering up at his silent friend. There was a curiously somber look on Sollux's face, but before Karkat could even open his mouth, Sollux's quiet voice spoke up; "This is my fault.." he murmured, "I should've fucking helped you when I could.."

"Shut up."

Sollux paused, and raised his eyebrows at Karkat's scowling face questioningly. "Shut the fuck up Sollux. You don't get to say bullshit like that when I'm the one who fucking _made_ you stay quiet. It's not your fault, so just _shut up,_ okay?"

The scowl had disappeared, replaced with an earnest expression that Sollux rarely ever saw on his friend's face. It only ever appeared at Karkat's most stubborn moments, often his most caring moments coincidentally. Yet, still… "But KK, I _knew_ and I still didn't-"

"No. Don't take the blame for this. Please Sollux.. don't blame yourself.." Karkat trailed off, swallowing hard to remove the lump in his throat.

The taller troll sighed slightly, but nodded his head in agreement nonetheless. Arguing would've been pointless- Karkat wouldn't let him take any fault, and he felt his heart warm briefly. And so, Sollux stayed quiet and ruffled the other troll's hair fondly. "Alright Mr. Grumpyass," he teased with a small smirk, "you win for now."

The sorrowful expression quickly slid from Karkat's face, and he relaxed into his friend with a playful smile. "Yeah yeah, fuck you Sollux." He muttered, laughing quietly.

They kept up the banter for several minutes longer, and eventually, Karkat dozed off in his best friend's arms, the first peaceful sleep he'd had in a long while.


	6. Chapter 6

Karkat grasped Kanaya's hand tightly as they wove their way through a crowd of hurried shoppers, looking for anything that caught their eye. After he fell asleep at the hospital, Sollux had described in clear, painful detail to Kanaya everything that happened while she was gone, and the anger she felt towards Dave had been made.. very clear at the time.

Currently though, her anger was well hidden, and they were on a shopping trip to Walmart, stocking up on the grocery's missing from his apartment. Sollux had practically moved in with him at this point, and with Kanaya and Kankri's frequent visits, Karkat knew he needed enough food to feed himself and the idiots who bothered to care of him. The hand around his tightened momentarily, and Karkat looked up at the taller girl, blinking dazedly. "Are you alright Karkat? You were starting to zone out." Kanaya asked with a frown.

Karkat pursed his lips and shrugged. "I'm just thinking," he glanced down at himself and frowned as his thoughts shifted to a new realization, "Jesus, I've lost some fucking weight, haven't I? Damn, who knew hardly eating for two weeks could do that to a person." He meant the last part to come out as a joke, but he winced as his memories gave him a very obvious reminder as to why he hadn't been eating in the first place.

Kanaya abruptly came to a stop by a rack of sweaters, and Karkat glanced up at her with furrowed brows, puzzled. The taller girl looked almost.. sick, and she seemed to hesitate before speaking quietly, "I forgot you haven't been eating.."

Realizing his mistake, Karkat coughed slightly and looked away, focusing on a random lady trying to load five bags of cat food into one cart while he tried to not immediately flush red. "Yeah, well, I'm eating shit now aren't I?" he pointed out weakly, trying not to sound too embarrassed. Just great. He'd already survived his moronic suicide attempt, but people were worrying and fussing over him, something he still wasn't quite sure how to deal with.

Kanaya snapped out of her daze and abruptly, a determined look replaced the sadness. "Stay here. I am buying all your favorites for dinner tonight. Understand?" she demanded, daring him to question her.

Karkat flushed again and nodded quickly, shooing her off. "Go go, I'll wait." he said, laughing slightly.

Kanaya huffed and and strode off to the food section, leaving Karkat to his own devices. The small adolescent meandered through the sweaters, not really seeing them, instead internally marveling at the fact that this was the first time alone he'd had in a few days. There was a sort of hollow ache in his gut, reminding him of what he'd lost and he flinched, digging his nails into his palms. It was way easier to ignore it when he was around everyone else, but.. soon Karkat would be alone once everyone decided he was healed enough to be on his own. All alone in his too-quiet apartment with no one to talk with or stop him from feeling so alone or… Karkat shook his head sharply. He shouldn't be dwelling on that just yet. He still had time with all of them, and he would deal with those annoying feelings when they came later.

Karkat peered around him, taking in the rows of colorful sweaters and hoodies for the first time. Speaking of, he hadn't seen Sollux wearing his favorite hoodie ever since he woke up in the hospital. He frowned, thinking back to when he last saw him in it. It had been before he.. well, before shit hit the fucking fan for everyone. Karkat let his mind drift carefully over the bloody memories, and a snippet of one came to him. Something warm and large had been wrapped around one of his wrists and he vaguely recalled it being a soft yellow...

"Well," he murmured to himself, "fuck."

He'd ruined Sollux's favorite sweater. With blood. Fucking great. Karkat heaved a large sigh and began flicking through several of the clothes near him, searching for a good replacement. Sollux would probably be surprised, he mused with a small smile, and then happy because god knew he fucking loved his hoodies. He'd probably smile and hug him and maybe even kiss him as a thank you and… Karkat slapped his forehead with his palm and growled at himself. Focus on the ugly sweaters. Focus.

Karkat flipped past another oversized hoodie with an aggravated huff, a scowl forming. Jesus, who wore this shit? He snorted as he slid a bright pink one with purple ruffles at the ends of the sleeves down the rack. Honestly, it couldn't get any more disgusting than that. Maybe he should buy it for Eridan, just to fuck with him. Just as he was about to give up hope that there was anything salvageable in this section, someone walking behind him brushed past a clearance rack, and a flash of yellow caught the small troll's eye.

Karkat glanced over his shoulder and relief flooded him when he saw the yellow hoodie hanging innocently among the other atrocities. A rare, genuine smile flitted across his face briefly before he took the hoodie's hanger off the rack. Soft yellow with black sleeve cuffs and a black hood. For a millisecond, an image of Sollux smiling brightly and holding him close derailed Karkat's thoughts, but he quickly shook his head with a scowl, searching for the size of the garment. The small inside tag told him it was the right overly-large size, exactly how Sollux liked it.

Karkat let out a relieved breath he didn't realize he'd been holding in and slung the sweater over his left arm. It wasn't enough to make up for all the shit he had put his best friend through, hell, it wasn't enough to even properly thank him, but it was somewhat of a start. With renewed hope, Karkat hurried out of the clothing section, searching for Kanaya.

The black-haired troll eventually found her in a mostly empty frozen food aisle, glowering into one of the doors. Karkat quietly walked up behind her and stood on his tippy toes to peek over her shoulder, carefully laying the sweater in the partially full cart. There, lying innocently, were several different bags of Pizza Rolls. He rolled his eyes. "Kanaya, get whatever bag you want, that shit's all the same price." He urged with an amused shake of his head.

The tall woman jumped, whirling around with wide eyes that narrowed upon seeing Karkat. Her hands settled on her hips, and he had the decency to look mildly ashamed. Kanaya huffed and turned on her heel to face the aisle again. "I cannot remember which one of these is your favorite for the life of me," she admitted, gesturing frustratedly to the bright bags, "and I wanted to.. Because you.." She trailed off and Karkat shifted uncomfortably as she glanced back at him with sorrowful eyes.

"Pepperoni," he muttered quickly, forcing himself to look away from his sad friend.

Kanaya turned away from him and loaded two bags of said flavor into the already packed cart. Karkat chewed his bottom lip nervously as he watched her, pain obviously visible in her movements, and his heart clenched tightly. Before he even fully comprehended what he was doing, he threw his arms around her, squeezing her as hard as he could.

Kanaya stumbled back a step and glanced down at the smaller troll in surprise. Her eyes quickly softened, however, and she hugged him just as fiercely, resting her chin on his unruly hair. Karkat had been very quiet the last few days, and it had set her and everyone else, on edge as they internally panicked over whether he would try to.. kill himself again. But this, while slightly out of the norm for the young troll, was better than the somber silence they'd been receiving and it set her frayed nerves partially at ease.

Karkat swallowed thickly as his bottled emotions abruptly threatened to erupt to the surface. Kanaya had obviously been hurting because of him, and hell if that thought didn't hurt almost as much as leaving Dave had. This was supposed to be one of his _best friends_ , but clearly he hadn't been doing a very good job at being a best friend lately. "I'm so sorry Kanaya.." he choked out around the emotions clogging his throat, tightening his hold around her even further.

She hummed quietly and kissed the top of his head. "It's alright Karkat," she said simply, stroking the smaller troll's hair, "You know I love you, yes?"

"Yeah.." he whispered in response, "I love you too Kanaya.."

Karkat just hoped she couldn't hear the tremor in his voice, or feel the shaking of his hands as he reminded himself that soon she would be gone again.


	7. Chapter 7

Sollux jolted awake with a start, his entire body flailing as he unceremoniously crashed to the floor from the couch. He groaned quietly, completely disoriented, and rubbed his aching backside, peering around the darkened living room with blurry vision. The troll scowled at himself in confusion and mild annoyance when he finally got his bearings, the shapes around him becoming more distinct. "I finally get thome dethent thleep and I can't even enjoy it…" he grumbled, not bothering to cover his lisp as he began to untangle himself from the blankets, "what the hell even woke me up?"

It just always happened to him, didn't it, he thought sourly. Hopefully, he didn't wake up Karkat with that embarrassing stunt. Lord fucking knew his best friend needed the sleep after everything that had happened. Just as he was finally dragging his sorry ass back onto his makeshift couch-bed, a loud cry sounded from the back room. Sollux froze in his actions, his blood becoming ice in his veins. That was.. Karkat? He scrambled to his feet in the next instant, cursing loudly as panic flooded his mind and his heart hammered in his chest. " _Not again, not again, not again!"_ his mind chanted while he threw open the bedroom door.

For a few terrifying seconds, the room was too dark for him to see anything, and Sollux stood in the doorway, taut as a wire. Slowly, his eyes adjusted to the lack of light and he swallowed harshly, peering through the inky blackness, his heartbeat loud in his ears. "KK..?" he whispered loudly, his eyes darting to the bathroom door.

The sound of quiet gasping reached his ears, and Sollux swung his gaze to the bed, where he could faintly make out a shaking shape curled up under the blankets. Dizzying relief flooded him, causing him to sway momentarily, only to be quickly replaced with concern. Sollux stumbled towards the bed, gnawing on his bottom lip as he became more aware of the quiet sobbing emanating from the smaller troll. Before Karkat had.. gone to the hospital, he'd had nightmares nearly every night, and Sollux normally climbed into bed with him to calm him down. But they had stopped ever since, so why were they coming back now?

With a quiet sigh, Sollux forced the questions out of his head and pulled himself onto the bed. The tall adolescent slid under the covers, scooting closer to his still quivering best friend and tugging him into his arms. Karkat's head shot up, and Sollux flinched at the tears covering his face, concern pinching his heart painfully. "I-I'm sorry," Karkat choked out, his voice breaking at the end, "I-I woke you up ag-again..!"

Another quiet sob burst out, shaking him even harder, and Sollux carefully pushed his head back down. "It's alright Karkat.." he murmured, "I've already told you I don't mind.."

He felt the smaller troll shake his head and he sighed once again, rubbing small circles into his back. "You're okay KK, it's alright," Sollux whispered firmly.

He felt Karkat take several shaky breaths, and then finally go limp as exhaustion finally took hold. "Okay.." he slurred out, and Sollux knew this was NOT the right time to be focusing on it, but he couldn't help but notice how fucking cute he was right then, his wet eyelashes curled against his cheeks, and his head resting on his chest peacefully. Sollux grunted quietly, internally scolding his sappy, idiotic brain.

They laid in silence for a few moments longer, and Sollux paused in his movements before his hands almost unconsciously traveled from his back to Karkat's wrists. The smaller troll immediately tensed in his arms, and Sollux quickly jerked his hands away, face flushing in shame as he rapidly apologized; "Thorry thorry, shit, thorry- sorry, KK I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay.." Karkat assured him quietly, slowly relaxing once again in his arms, "you can go ahead.."

Sollux stopped and chewed on his bottom lip with anxiety, glancing down at Karkat in uncertainty, then hesitantly allowing his hands to drift to the shivering troll's wrists once again. His fingers gently grazed over the raised lines crisscrossing up and down his friend's arms, an unidentifiable feeling welling up in his chest as he paused at the newest additions. He inhaled sharply, and a sudden lump formed in his throat, tears beginning to sting his eyes when a slew of memories assaulted him. This was his best friend, the person who walked him to school everyday in middle school, the person who played video games with him for hours on end, the person who reminded him to eat and drink when he was an idiot and forgot, the person whom he loved more than anyone else. He was almost gone forever, this bright, beautiful, vibrant person who was everything he wanted in this goddamn world.

The taller troll blinked and the heavy tears gathering in his eyes finally fell, leaving warm trails down his cheeks while his breathing hitched. He felt Karkat stir and lift his head, and he clamped his mouth together in a vain attempt to keep himself from completely losing it. "Sollux?" Karkat asked in quiet alarm, brushing his fingers across his face. Sollux shivered slightly and pulled his best friend closer, burying his face in the crook of his neck and trembling violently. "Sollux, hey what's wrong?" he questioned as he frantically tried to calm the still sobbing troll.

"You- you-" Sollux struggled to speak clearly around the increasingly hysterical tears and swallowed harshly, "you can't go Karkat, pleathe, I need you h-here..!"

Karkat shifted in his hold and Sollux heard a soft sigh before he felt warm arms wrap securely around his middle as a choked sob escaped him. Sollux's hands clutched at him desperately, afraid that he would slip away for good this time if he didn't, and a loud cry broke free from his throat while he tried futilely to apologize for the mess he'd suddenly become; "K-Kark-Karkat I-I'm th-th!-"

"Shhh.." Karkat murmured, seemingly unbothered by the flood of tears covering him, "I'm right here Sollux, it's alright.."

A few minutes passed, and eventually Sollux's breathing started to even out, the tears slowing and stopping. His inhaled deeply, confirming to himself that, yes this was Karkat, and yes he was okay. The tension slowly slipped from his body. A wave of embarrassment slammed into him and he finally relaxed his hold on the short troll, a hot blush spreading across his face. He wasn't normally a crier, especially in front of other people, even more especially in front of Karkat, who was probably feeling like shit and blaming himself now. Sollux swore at himself internally, and opened his mouth to apologize again, only to be stopped when Karkat's tired voice spoke up, "Don't you dare try to fucking apologize again.. You're entitled to a good cry once in a while too.."

Sollux sighed in relief and chuckled shakily. "Alright.." he whispered, "thankth KK.."

"Don't mention it.." Karkat slurred, sleepiness dripping from his voice. He gave Sollux a reassuring squeeze before relaxing into his arms again.

All was quiet for a few minutes as Sollux waited for Karkat to return to sleep. When his friend's breathing evened out completely, Sollux finally closed his eyes, ready to get back to that decent sleep he'd had earlier that he was still sorely needing.

"Love you S'lx.." he heard the troll on his chest mutter very quietly.

Well.

Sleep was overrated anyways.


	8. Chapter 8

Something was up, Karkat decided. Something was most definitely up. Ever since he'd woken up this morning, Sollux had been acting way fucking different. There were no snarky comments, no attempts to cover his lisp, and weirdest of all, no direct eye contact. At all. Not to mention the fact that he, Sollux, lazy fuckhead, had been awake before him.

Karkat huffed from his position on the couch, watching Sollux die for the hundredth goddamn time on Call of Duty. Also a sign something was fucking up. It could've been the crying from last night, but the handful of times his best friend had cried on him in the past hadn't involved all this bullshit! "Sollux!" he finally shouted, sick of waiting for some sign of just what the hell was wrong.

The older adolescent jumped violently, the controller making a swift and sudden journey across the room. "Chritht KK!"

Karkat blinked. "Alright, what the fuck," he stated, "you never pay attention to my yelling when you're playing video games. Why are you acting so goddamn weird?"

Sollux glanced up at him with a scowl and opened his mouth to snap back, only for his expression to quickly morph into an embarrassed flush at Karkat's expectant look. "I- uh- Shit- bathroom." He stuttered out, jumping to his feet and nearly tripping in his haste to leave the room.

Karkat stared after him, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. What the fuck? Karkat pursed his lips and glared at the ceiling as if it had the answers hidden in it. Had he done something to upset him? Was Sollux angry? Did he finally get sick of him want to leave? The small troll blanched and sat up with a start as the last question manifested in his head. He knew that his friend would leave eventually to get on with his life but.. Karkat sighed heavily and sat up, dropping his head into his palms. But nothing. He couldn't keep Sollux here forever.

The black-haired adolescent stood from the couch, and took a hesitant step towards the hallway, before his stomach dropped and his eyes suddenly stung fiercely. Alone. He would be alone again. And Sollux would be gone, and happy with someone else. Karkat felt his heart constrict in his chest, and he slumped back onto the couch, shuddering as a feeling similar to being dunked in ice water encompassed him. No, he didn't like that at all. But did it really matter what he liked? Did it matter that he loved Sollux? No, it didn't, Karkat realized. Because, as evidenced by the major fuck-up of a relationship he had caused, Karkat knew that entering a relationship with his best friend would only end in him screwing it up again.

A half-sob, half-sigh escaped him, and Karkat allowed the tears to fall freely. His heart throbbed, and his breath caught in his throat as the enormity of the loneliness and despair finally dropped onto him. He would be alone again with _nooneelse_. Every fiber of his being demanded that he stay there on that couch, that he just continue to let Sollux be uncomfortable if it meant he stayed. ' _How utterly fucking selfish..'_ he thought bitterly.

"Pathetic.." he muttered quietly, forcing his feelings back into a small corner of his mind.

Karkat stood again and roughly rubbed away the tears on his face with a sweater sleeve. He still had a little time left with Sollux, and he'd be damned if he spent it blubbering like some pathetic mope. A sardonic grin graced his features and he shook his head lightly. "Might as well give the fucker a going away present, yeah?" he posed to no one in particular.

"Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot…" Sollux repeatedly in a droll tone, in tandem with the light banging of his head on the grey wall of the bathroom.

Why couldn't he just act normal, he thought to himself sourly. It's not like he _wanted_ to be a weird, nervous-ass wreck in front of Karkat, but it seemed like his brain had other ideas. Everytime Sollux so much as looked at his the object of his affections, his traitorous thoughts dredged up the whispered words of the night before, and his head got disgustingly _mushy_ and his heart sped up, and he couldn't _stop_ the goddamn _blush_ that flooded his face.

Hence the bathroom hideout.

With an annoyed groan, the adolescent pulled away from the wall. This wasn't helping. And Karkat was probably losing his shit out there. As a matter of fact, Sollux was surprised the tiny ball of anger hadn't come pounding on the door yet. His small chuckle at the thought quickly died as his brain reminded him that Karkat hadn't been that person for quite a while. And probably wouldn't be for some time, he realized with a frown. ' _Which is why I'm staying to help him.'_ he told himself firmly.

In addition to simply _wanting_ to stay with Karkat in general, the possibility of something happening again was.. Terrifying, to fucking say the least. Enough so that just thinking about it brought the sudden, powerful urge to find him and confirm that he was still breathing and not _bleeding and dying again ohgodwhatifhewasdyingrightNOW._ Sollux inhaled sharply and shook off his paranoid thoughts, twisting around and marching towards the door. ' _I'll just quickly pop out and check on him..'_ he thought uneasily.

But before he could even touch the door handle, the door swung open to reveal a scowling Karkat with one of his hands tucked behind his back. Sollux, who had jumped back in shock, huffed and raised an eyebrow in question at his shorter friend. "What the fuck KK, why'd you- hey wait, shit, have you been crying? What's wrong?" There were slight red rims around his eyes and his face was redder than usual, but just as he opened his mouth to voice more of his concerns, Karkat took his hand from behind his back and thrust something large and yellow towards his chest. The taller one's brow furrowed and he held up the bundle of cloth, unraveling it from it's bunched up state.

Sollux's jaw dropped once he finally saw the pale yellow sweater in full. He had completely forgotten that his favorite bee hoodie had been ruined with.. the blood of his dying best friend.

"I had Kanaya sew the bee bullshit on, otherwise I would've given to you sooner.." the smaller troll mumbled, digging his nails into his wrist with nervous anxiety.

Sollux couldn't believe his ears. Here Karkat was, a shell of himself, dealing with the aftermath of a _suicide_ attempt, yet _still_ doing something so fucking nice for him of all people. His heart swelled in his chest, a warm tingling sensation that coated his body from head to toe, and a stupid, goofy grin grew on his face. Karkat really shouldn't have been surprised about what happened next, because Sollux sure as hell wasn't when he yanked his best friend forward, yet gently, ever so gently covered the confused troll's lips with his own.

Warmth.

Utter _warmth_ flooded through his body, so much more intense than before, an inferno that concentrated wherever Karkat's soft body touched his and- wait. Did he just-

Sollux ripped away from Karkat so fast his head spun, realizing with dawning horror that the smaller troll had become a wide-eyed statue. A bright red wide-eyed statue. "Karkat..?" he asked hesitantly.

His chest tightened painfully and it became marginazlly more difficult to breathe when Karkat gave no answer, instead angling his gaze towards the ground. Here it came, Sollux realized mournfully. The gentle yet firm let down, shoving him back into his soon to be painfully awkward best friend box. What he said in his sleep last night was only that- sleep talking. Not feelings or affection.

Karkat bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut tightly while trying to right his unsteady breaths. That- That was something unexpected that he'd wanted for such a long time without even knowing it. Hell, he'd been ready to give Sollux up because he thought he would leave. How fucking stupid _that_ idea seemed now. But was he ready? Was it normal to trapeze himself into another relationship so soon? Would Sollux be okay with the underlying mountain of depressed feelings he'd been carrying for _years_? His friend could barely even talk about the suicide incident- was that telling of their future interactions if they got together?

So many questions and so little answers, Karkat thought wryly. Yet, he had always been a follow-his-heart kind of guy, for better or for worse he realized with a wince, and right now, his heart longed to reciprocate. And so he took a deep breath, and did.

"I'm not sure this is a good idea.." he paused, his heart squeezing as Sollux's face fell, "..but I want to try. I like you Sollux. A lot. And we can try, we can make it work, it's just.." Karkat blinked rapidly to stop the tears from pooling in his eyes, "..we have to talk about it. We can't just ignore what happened like we have been. And.." he paused, unsure how to word what he wanted to say without alarming his best friend. "Those fucking feelings of wanting to.. wanting to off myself haven't magically gone away now that I'm out of the hospital. They've been there for a long goddamn time and we can't just ignore them, because that led to this, not to mention I'm still not over Dave, and.." Karkat trailed off and blew out an exasperated breath, throwing up his arms and gesturing to himself before continuing; "Do you get what I mean?"

He looked up hopefully at the taller troll, who was frowning in deep concentration, and Karkat bit his lip, worried. "I think I understand," Sollux began slowly, "and I'm willing to talk about this shit with you. I want us to work, I mean fuck, I've been waiting for this to happen for YEARS, so of course I'm willing to put up with some extra bullshit standing in our way."

Karkat let out a relieved breath and wrapped his arms around his best friend (boyfriend now?). "Thank fuck you said that honestly." He didn't really think he could handle another rejection right now.

"Now kiss me you fucking idiot."

And so Sollux did.


End file.
